Torn with Guilt
by StarlightSkies
Summary: "Merlin inched himself slowly to the floor beside the marble staircase outside the throne room. His normally ecstatic and humorous face was distraught and pale with the misery of his mistake. No matter how he turned, the guilt tore at him..."


**A/N/Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin! BBC has all rights. No characters are of my own creation.**

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><p><strong>Torn with Guilt<strong>

**By: StarlightSkies**

It had gone all wrong, so terribly wrong. It was never supposed to be like this. Never had he imagined it would end like this. The long night had repeated itself in the young warlock's head, like rereading the same line on a page over and over again. It didn't seem to end. What was he to do now? Gaius had offered him one choice of retreat, at least until after dinner, to nourish himself and regain his thoughts. But he wasn't the person in need now, was he? Merlin inched himself slowly to the floor beside the marble staircase outside the throne room. His normally ecstatic and humorous face was distraught and pale with the misery of his mistake.

Since dusk, Arthur had been alone in the throne room saying goodbye to Uther. And since dusk, Merlin had sat on that same staircase patiently waiting for the wood doors to open and out walk a new man. A man of understanding, and a better king Camelot would ever see. Arthur was the future, Merlin understood this from the first day he had heard about his miserable destiny. _"Some destiny," _the young warlock thought as he groaned into his hands. _"Chasing after that prat of a prince and then mucking it all up in the end. For what? What did I achieve other than making Arthur hate my kin even more? Morgana, what have you done?"_ Yes, Morgana was truly to blame for tonight. But even he could not convince himself of that, not after Arthur's resolve for magic. At the bottom of his stomach, Merlin almost wished Arthur wouldn't submerge from the throne room. He didn't know yet how to act or what to say with such knowledge on his conscious. How could things go back to normal?

Dawn had long broken through the long night, desperate to warm the hearts of the grieving. Merlin had many times since that night thought about getting up and leaving. But in his heart he knew he must stay. He knew the pain Arthur felt for he had gone through the same thing less than a year before. But lucky for Arthur, this time he had a friend to help him through it all. Actually, Arthur had many friends but was blinded by his instinct to stand alone. When the doors finally pushed open, Merlin turned his head. He wasn't yet ready to look at the new king. Arthur called out his name. Not with the same arrogant emphasis on the first three letters like he normally did. He called out for him like a friend, a friend in need of a shoulder. Arthur's voice was raspy as if there was barely any of it left to speak with but it did not stop him from gently calling to Merlin's attention.

"Did you wait here all night?"

"I wanted you to know you weren't alone. You will always have me."

The day had gone on from there. The King's funeral would be that night and he, Merlin, would be at Arthur's beck and call like always. But the hours before that passed painfully slowly. After breakfast with Arthur (which they had surprisingly eaten together peacefully in Arthur's chambers), Merlin sulked in Gaius' own chambers until midday. There wasn't much the physician found that could cheer his young apprentice up. Merlin simply sulked on the steps of his room, staring blankly, almost sickly to Gaius, at the floor. Even Gwen had stayed a few hours trying to understand why Merlin was nearly as distraught as Arthur. And she had yet to visit her lover.

"It's such a beautiful day." Gwen tried, getting up from her seat on the steps beside Merlin. She went to the nearest window and opened the shutters slowly, cracking the window a little and letting the cool breeze in. Merlin inhaled the new air like it was his first time breathing again. He hadn't realized that his body had gone stiff from sitting so long, so stiff that even breathing seemed troublesome. "Merlin, can't you talk?"

The young man gave her a weak smile, shook his head, and sighed into his hands. "Maybe if I stay silent for the rest of my life, I'll cause less pain."

"Merlin!" Gwen was immediately at his side again, a step lower trying to pry is well calloused hands away from his face. "Merlin, listen to me." The young warlock turned away from the dark haired maiden. He didn't want her to see through him since he knew Gwen had a particular ability to do so. "Listen to me, Uther… Uther's death is regrettable but you had nothing to do with it. You cannot blame yourself for what is done, neither of you can."

"It's not that simply, Gwen." Merlin answered bitterly.

"But it is! You and Arthur have no hand in this. Gaius had said Uther was dying, maybe even magic could not save him. And even if you had been successful, you would have only bought him a few more weeks. Uther had no reason to live after Morgana, his heart and body were giving up Merlin. His spirit was broken, and for a king it might as well be the equivalent of death."

"You don't understand!" Merlin suddenly shouted, scaring Gwen. He stood, striding down the few steps and standing in the middle of the room. "No one can understand! The only person who _might_ have an idea is Gaius, oh and a bloody dragon! Maybe Lancelot even!" The words had left his mouth before he could stop them. He'd been so angry, so blinded by the rage for Morgana's meddling and hurt he felt for Arthur that his tongue saw no fit reason to keep itself in check. And now Gwen would be suspicious.

"A dragon? Merlin, what are you talking about? What dragon?" She slowly stood from the stairs. "_The_ dragon?"

Merlin simply sighed, returning the stairs to only sink to the floor at Gwen's feet. Tears welled up in his blue eyes, leaving a salty trail down his flushed cheeks. "The worst part about all this Gwen is no one can know. Have you ever had a secret? A secret where if one sole person should find out, the cascading events would be…" Merlin half gulped half sobbed. "Would be deathly painful?"

"Merlin what are you saying?" Gwen nearly whispered. "_Did_ you have something to do with Uther's death?" Merlin nodded. "Merlin! How could-? I must tell Arthur!"

"Wait!" As Gwen as nearly ran past him, Merlin caught her wrist and she did not fight him. Gwen simply swayed in Merlin's light grip, waiting patiently for him to explain. She was desperate for his explanation; anything but for him to be guilty.

"You must know. I think you've somehow always known what I am, Gwen. Sometimes I think Arthur does too. Lancelot knew, and even Gwaine might suspect me. Leon was certainly suspicious the last time we went hunting. Needless to say I have been careless. Gwen you must understand, Uther's death was _not_ of my doing." Merlin emphasized to her stiff back. "Gaius found a pendent placed around Uther's neck after he had examined him. The pendent was enchanted to reverse any strong kind of magic. By trying to save Uther, I killed him. I tried to save him and Uther died because of that pendent. It reversed everything I did for him. He would have lived!" He hadn't realized he raised his voice or that his grip on Gwen's wrist had suddenly got much tighter. "He would have lived, Gwen."

Merlin's voice went from aggressive shouting to Gwen's back to the two of the sinking to the cobble stone floor, his voice no stronger than a whisper. Merlin sobbed, crying into Gwen's arms as she too shed tears. She wrapped her arms around his fragile body and held tight as the sobs shook him. She couldn't quite understand what Merlin was saying, rather she didn't know if she could believe him. Merlin, a sorcerer, and at the worst time for a confession like this. Gwen continued to hold her friend, being the clarity she always seem to bring in every struggling situation, she whispered calming words to Merlin as she waited for him to relax. When she decided that he had calmed down enough to continue talking, she helped Merlin pick himself off the floor and back onto the sturdy stone steps to sit. She sat beside him, both of her hands engulfing on of his and squeezed.

"I've always known you were special Merlin." Gwen smiled at him though he could not see it as his head was bent. "I suppose you must be someone special to take such good care of prince like Arthur." She finally got a small chuckle from him. "If you say that Morgana was Uther's undoing, then I believe you. I don't believe you would want any harm to come to Uther even if you were one of the many that could not stand his ways. I don't understand yet all that you've said, but I won't abandon you – none of us will. You have been nothing but a loyal and trustworthy friend to all of us Merlin, and you have never given me a reason to not trust you. Even Arthur trusts you, though he may not show it. But time heals all wounds Merlin, there will be scars but you and Arthur will one day heal our kingdom of the wounds Uther has inflicted. And _that_ Merlin," Gwen reached a hand to tilt Merlin's head in her direction. Still smiling at him, Gwen brushed away the tears that rolled slowly down towards her hand. "That the reason we pray for Camelot. We pray that Arthur will learn from his and his father's mistakes and that there will be peace. And if you have any hand in that then you should be proud as I know Arthur will be."

Merlin simply stared at Gwen, slightly in shock. When Lancelot had first found out he had magic, Merlin was afraid, fearful for his life. But Lancelot proved to be a most loyal friend and ally, as were all the knights Merlin was friends with. He knew his secret could not remain a secret forever. One day Arthur would find out his loyal servant had magic. He just hoped that day was far in the future and Camelot was long at peace by then. He hoped he would still have his friend, the prat king that somehow became the best friend Merlin could ever hope to have.

"You're right Gwen," Merlin hugged her. "Let's go see to Arthur then, shall we?"

They hugged once more in the light of the setting sun that shined through the open window, and listening to the call of the bells as the funeral was soon to start.

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><p>AN: Hi all! This is my first Merlin fanfic! Let me know what you think please! R&R!


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